Alone.

Each lonely day blurred together into a fog of tears and sorrow. I wondered what he was doing at this very moment. Was he lying in his bed, thinking of my warm, comforting smile? Or was he out at a campus party, red cup in hand, dancing against some random, drunk girl? All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, for him to be free, even if that meant I could no longer call him mine. But, I still wished more than anything that he would change his mind. To hear the words, "Yes, I do want to be together" would impact my life in a way he could never know. I understood his burning desire to escape the pressures of reality and surround himself with unfamiliar faces and scenery. But, what I didn't understand was why he wanted to sacrifice me. Did it make him happy to know that every other girl he was eyeing made me die inside? My heart ached. My eyes were swollen and bloodshot from the endless flow of tears that began the day he left. Part of me was missing. I felt empty. One part of me wanted to let him live his life on his own, but the other didn't want to let him go. How could I let him move on? He was my first love. The first person I put all my trust in. The first person to admire even my tiniest traits. The first person that I felt comfortable being my true self in front. While he made me vulnerable, he also made me strong. Waking up each morning and knowing I had someone who unconditionally loved me, whether or not he always showed it, held me above the thin ice I was so close to falling through. But the moment he opened that letter, "We would be happy to have you on our campus," I broke that weak barrier and nearly drowned. I wanted to be happy for him, I wanted to support him, but how could I accept that he was moving on without me? I was just collateral damage through his eyes. Just a temporary fill until he went off into the real world and found someone he wanted more. I would never again be his one and only.